2011: Review

2011 is over and I can't say I'm sad to see it go. It seemed to be a year of ups and downs with mixed blessings and double edged swords. I learned a lot throughout the year and I hope that I use that knowledge to make 2012 my year of peace.

2011 started with a huge career boost as the winner of teacher of the year. It was a monumental time followed by the announcement that our district would be firing teachers and as a newer hire (3 years) I might be on that list.

I turned 30 which was exciting for me because I had achieved everything I wanted to by age 30 but was left feeling empty with no sense of direction. The question of what to do now that my dreams had come true nagged at me throughout the year. It's harder to dream as an adult than it is as a fourth grade kid.

An old friend revealed her views about me in a not so very flattering way and some other friends helped me realize what true friendship is. I realized that if people can't accept all of me for who I am, then we weren't really friends to start with.

I began interviewing for jobs partly because of the districts financial situation and partly because I felt an obligation to my family but in leaving my job felt I was betraying God's calling for my career.

I got a job that is amazing. I work in the community I live in. I'm five minutes from home and five minutes from my son's school. I met some great new people and met a family whom i hope grows old with my family. It's everything I should want but I miss my mechee, and my fount of wisdom. I miss the kids that made me laugh, cry, and dance daily.

My little man started preschool and I had to make the hardest decision of my life and take his education into my own hands instead of allowing nature to take its course and I am so glad I did.

Little Miss started talking. The saying "you spend two years teaching them to talk and the rest of their life trying to get them to stop" might have been written about my daughter except the sound of her voice is so sweet I can't imagine not wanting to fill my ears with it as much as possible.

I lost two great uncles and hope to someday find them in heaven. I realized through these deaths how valuable and important my grandparents are to me. I have also realized how mortal they are and that their end on earth is inevitable. I try to prepare for their death but have realized that the sadness that always accompanies a death still cannot be eased by preparation or comfort in the deceased's lack of pain. It still hurts.

I reached my weight loss goal of 150 pounds, a loss of 71 pounds, joined a gym, and realized I have a strength within me that has been buried for years beneath layers of fat and self loathing. I am beautiful, I am strong, I am independent. Now people are asking me how I did it and it really comes down to desiring to spend the next 60-70 years of my life with my husband, children and grandchildren, running and playing and living life, not watching it pass me by.

With my new outlook on life, I've realized that I don't always know how to live life because I've become so accustomed to watching. I have realized that a lot of things that I thought were stupid or said I didn't want was probably because I thought I'd never have it. For instance, I always said kissing in public was gross, I think now it's because I thought I would never find someone to kiss. This realization has shattered some walls I had in place and as such left me feeling vulnerable and cranky, excited and ambitious.

I feel as if my life is starting over at 30 years old so it's only fitting that I've chosen the new year to start being the person I've always wanted to be. I am tearing down the remaining walls and showing myself for you to love or hate and either way my life will be true. Toast to 2012! May you bring me peace, love, and truth.