A Mile-stone

As you probably know, I've struggled with being overweight for a good majority of my life.  In August, my brother convinced me to join a gym with him.  I joined honestly thinking it would be a waste of my money and that I'd end up going for a month and then quit.  I'm happy to say that it's December now and I'm still going three times a week, occasionally more.

My workout usually consists of walking on the treadmill for about 30 minutes at a 20-30 degree incline at a pace of 2 miles per hour.  It's hard work and not much fun but I've found that it's one of the only times in my day when I can read and be by myself (as if being in a gym surrounded by people is being by myself but you know what I mean.)  I both dread it and love it at the same time.

So for the past four months I've done about the same thing, sometimes I lift weights sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I do cardio for 30 minutes sometimes an hour.  Through it all, I haven't ever felt like I've pushed myself too hard though until tonight.

About a week ago I was going to do inward hip abductions which is fancy for some machine that works your inner thighs.  I was amazed because when I went to adjust the weights it was set on 175 lbs.  I laughed out loud literally and shook my head.  "Who in the world would ever be able to press 175 lbs together with their inner thighs?"  I leaned forward again to adjust the weight and then giggled to myself as the thought flew through my brain to try it just to see how hard it was.  So I pushed my legs together and low and behold, I could do it.  I was shocked at first and had to try it again to make sure it wasn't some sort of fluke.  It wasn't. Come to find out, my strong little (or not so little) legs did 3 sets of 10 reps at 175 lbs.  Go me!  It was a pretty empowering moment.

Thus fast forward to tonight.  I set out to the gym in the 18 degree windchill weather with the intention of running.  I had finally tried running one night last week out of pure anger at a situation I was dealing with and I made it a half a mile before I thought my feet were literally going to slide out from under me.  This was after 20 minutes of walking however so I had to take that into consideration.  When I got to the gym it was nice and warm inside but almost all of my favorite treadmills were being used.  There was one left in between these two average looking older women...thank you God that they weren't 25 with perfect bodies in tight spandex.  I hopped up and started warming up with a brisk walk.  As I was walking I began to realize there was an odor in the air that was not all together pleasant. I pushed the thoughts out of my head and after a three minute warm up began to run.

My goal was to run another half mile, then walk and maybe if I wasn't too tired run another half mile later.  I knew the key to running the half mile was to think about something besides how much I hate running so I started asking myself what I wanted out of life and why I always feel such a need to do the stuff other people do instead of just being me.  I've noticed that I want to do things that people can see lately just to put myself out there.  I want to be famous for something but have nothing to be famous for.  I'm not really good at anything except raising children and that's not something that I will ever be famous for.  I want people to use quotes that I say to teach people, but I don't know what to focus on to make myself someone famous.  I'm not a movie star or a politician.  I don't like being honored in public and don't ever feel worthy of the accolades.  I love writing but don't take the time to do it enough and lack focus to finish projects because there isn't a reason.  I don't know a publisher.  I don't even know what people like to read.  I could write children's books but there are so many of them out there already and my ideas aren't different than anyone else's.  Man, I'm starting to get a little tired.

I look at my distance on my treadmill and notice that I've gone seven tenths of a mile.  I start smiling and giggling again...of course out loud so the BO girl can stare at me and judge me as I look back at her judging her stench.  I could do this.  I could make it a mile.  I've never ran a whole consecutive mile in my life...ever! For the first time this once 221 pound girl with esteem problems was going to run a mile.  I found myself cheering me on in my head.  Yes the "run Forrest, run" was changed to "run, Elizabeth, run" and followed by, "just keep running, just keep running".  It was fantastic and hysterical and all I could do not to jump up and down when I finished.  I felt like I had just won a race.  I've never won an athletic race. 

So many amazing things occurred in this one mile run on the treadmill.  I realized that I'm still not concentrating on my true goal in life which is to change the world one life at a time. I'm being distracted by everything else in life and society.  I realized that I can cheer myself on because for the first time maybe ever, I have a positive self image...I am worth supporting!