2011 is over and I can't say I'm sad to see it go. It seemed to be a year of ups and downs with mixed blessings and double edged swords. I learned a lot throughout the year and I hope that I use that knowledge to make 2012 my year of peace.
2011 started with a huge career boost as the winner of teacher of the year. It was a monumental time followed by the announcement that our district would be firing teachers and as a newer hire (3 years) I might be on that list.
I turned 30 which was exciting for me because I had achieved everything I wanted to by age 30 but was left feeling empty with no sense of direction. The question of what to do now that my dreams had come true nagged at me throughout the year. It's harder to dream as an adult than it is as a fourth grade kid.
An old friend revealed her views about me in a not so very flattering way and some other friends helped me realize what true friendship is. I realized that if people can't accept all of me for who I am, then we weren't really friends to start with.
I began interviewing for jobs partly because of the districts financial situation and partly because I felt an obligation to my family but in leaving my job felt I was betraying God's calling for my career.
I got a job that is amazing. I work in the community I live in. I'm five minutes from home and five minutes from my son's school. I met some great new people and met a family whom i hope grows old with my family. It's everything I should want but I miss my mechee, and my fount of wisdom. I miss the kids that made me laugh, cry, and dance daily.
My little man started preschool and I had to make the hardest decision of my life and take his education into my own hands instead of allowing nature to take its course and I am so glad I did.
Little Miss started talking. The saying "you spend two years teaching them to talk and the rest of their life trying to get them to stop" might have been written about my daughter except the sound of her voice is so sweet I can't imagine not wanting to fill my ears with it as much as possible.
I lost two great uncles and hope to someday find them in heaven. I realized through these deaths how valuable and important my grandparents are to me. I have also realized how mortal they are and that their end on earth is inevitable. I try to prepare for their death but have realized that the sadness that always accompanies a death still cannot be eased by preparation or comfort in the deceased's lack of pain. It still hurts.
I reached my weight loss goal of 150 pounds, a loss of 71 pounds, joined a gym, and realized I have a strength within me that has been buried for years beneath layers of fat and self loathing. I am beautiful, I am strong, I am independent. Now people are asking me how I did it and it really comes down to desiring to spend the next 60-70 years of my life with my husband, children and grandchildren, running and playing and living life, not watching it pass me by.
With my new outlook on life, I've realized that I don't always know how to live life because I've become so accustomed to watching. I have realized that a lot of things that I thought were stupid or said I didn't want was probably because I thought I'd never have it. For instance, I always said kissing in public was gross, I think now it's because I thought I would never find someone to kiss. This realization has shattered some walls I had in place and as such left me feeling vulnerable and cranky, excited and ambitious.
I feel as if my life is starting over at 30 years old so it's only fitting that I've chosen the new year to start being the person I've always wanted to be. I am tearing down the remaining walls and showing myself for you to love or hate and either way my life will be true. Toast to 2012! May you bring me peace, love, and truth.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
2011: Review
Monday, December 5, 2011
A Mile-stone
As you probably know, I've struggled with being overweight for a good majority of my life. In August, my brother convinced me to join a gym with him. I joined honestly thinking it would be a waste of my money and that I'd end up going for a month and then quit. I'm happy to say that it's December now and I'm still going three times a week, occasionally more.
My workout usually consists of walking on the treadmill for about 30 minutes at a 20-30 degree incline at a pace of 2 miles per hour. It's hard work and not much fun but I've found that it's one of the only times in my day when I can read and be by myself (as if being in a gym surrounded by people is being by myself but you know what I mean.) I both dread it and love it at the same time.
So for the past four months I've done about the same thing, sometimes I lift weights sometimes I don't. Sometimes I do cardio for 30 minutes sometimes an hour. Through it all, I haven't ever felt like I've pushed myself too hard though until tonight.
About a week ago I was going to do inward hip abductions which is fancy for some machine that works your inner thighs. I was amazed because when I went to adjust the weights it was set on 175 lbs. I laughed out loud literally and shook my head. "Who in the world would ever be able to press 175 lbs together with their inner thighs?" I leaned forward again to adjust the weight and then giggled to myself as the thought flew through my brain to try it just to see how hard it was. So I pushed my legs together and low and behold, I could do it. I was shocked at first and had to try it again to make sure it wasn't some sort of fluke. It wasn't. Come to find out, my strong little (or not so little) legs did 3 sets of 10 reps at 175 lbs. Go me! It was a pretty empowering moment.
Thus fast forward to tonight. I set out to the gym in the 18 degree windchill weather with the intention of running. I had finally tried running one night last week out of pure anger at a situation I was dealing with and I made it a half a mile before I thought my feet were literally going to slide out from under me. This was after 20 minutes of walking however so I had to take that into consideration. When I got to the gym it was nice and warm inside but almost all of my favorite treadmills were being used. There was one left in between these two average looking older women...thank you God that they weren't 25 with perfect bodies in tight spandex. I hopped up and started warming up with a brisk walk. As I was walking I began to realize there was an odor in the air that was not all together pleasant. I pushed the thoughts out of my head and after a three minute warm up began to run.
My goal was to run another half mile, then walk and maybe if I wasn't too tired run another half mile later. I knew the key to running the half mile was to think about something besides how much I hate running so I started asking myself what I wanted out of life and why I always feel such a need to do the stuff other people do instead of just being me. I've noticed that I want to do things that people can see lately just to put myself out there. I want to be famous for something but have nothing to be famous for. I'm not really good at anything except raising children and that's not something that I will ever be famous for. I want people to use quotes that I say to teach people, but I don't know what to focus on to make myself someone famous. I'm not a movie star or a politician. I don't like being honored in public and don't ever feel worthy of the accolades. I love writing but don't take the time to do it enough and lack focus to finish projects because there isn't a reason. I don't know a publisher. I don't even know what people like to read. I could write children's books but there are so many of them out there already and my ideas aren't different than anyone else's. Man, I'm starting to get a little tired.
I look at my distance on my treadmill and notice that I've gone seven tenths of a mile. I start smiling and giggling again...of course out loud so the BO girl can stare at me and judge me as I look back at her judging her stench. I could do this. I could make it a mile. I've never ran a whole consecutive mile in my life...ever! For the first time this once 221 pound girl with esteem problems was going to run a mile. I found myself cheering me on in my head. Yes the "run Forrest, run" was changed to "run, Elizabeth, run" and followed by, "just keep running, just keep running". It was fantastic and hysterical and all I could do not to jump up and down when I finished. I felt like I had just won a race. I've never won an athletic race.
So many amazing things occurred in this one mile run on the treadmill. I realized that I'm still not concentrating on my true goal in life which is to change the world one life at a time. I'm being distracted by everything else in life and society. I realized that I can cheer myself on because for the first time maybe ever, I have a positive self image...I am worth supporting!
My workout usually consists of walking on the treadmill for about 30 minutes at a 20-30 degree incline at a pace of 2 miles per hour. It's hard work and not much fun but I've found that it's one of the only times in my day when I can read and be by myself (as if being in a gym surrounded by people is being by myself but you know what I mean.) I both dread it and love it at the same time.
So for the past four months I've done about the same thing, sometimes I lift weights sometimes I don't. Sometimes I do cardio for 30 minutes sometimes an hour. Through it all, I haven't ever felt like I've pushed myself too hard though until tonight.
About a week ago I was going to do inward hip abductions which is fancy for some machine that works your inner thighs. I was amazed because when I went to adjust the weights it was set on 175 lbs. I laughed out loud literally and shook my head. "Who in the world would ever be able to press 175 lbs together with their inner thighs?" I leaned forward again to adjust the weight and then giggled to myself as the thought flew through my brain to try it just to see how hard it was. So I pushed my legs together and low and behold, I could do it. I was shocked at first and had to try it again to make sure it wasn't some sort of fluke. It wasn't. Come to find out, my strong little (or not so little) legs did 3 sets of 10 reps at 175 lbs. Go me! It was a pretty empowering moment.
Thus fast forward to tonight. I set out to the gym in the 18 degree windchill weather with the intention of running. I had finally tried running one night last week out of pure anger at a situation I was dealing with and I made it a half a mile before I thought my feet were literally going to slide out from under me. This was after 20 minutes of walking however so I had to take that into consideration. When I got to the gym it was nice and warm inside but almost all of my favorite treadmills were being used. There was one left in between these two average looking older women...thank you God that they weren't 25 with perfect bodies in tight spandex. I hopped up and started warming up with a brisk walk. As I was walking I began to realize there was an odor in the air that was not all together pleasant. I pushed the thoughts out of my head and after a three minute warm up began to run.
My goal was to run another half mile, then walk and maybe if I wasn't too tired run another half mile later. I knew the key to running the half mile was to think about something besides how much I hate running so I started asking myself what I wanted out of life and why I always feel such a need to do the stuff other people do instead of just being me. I've noticed that I want to do things that people can see lately just to put myself out there. I want to be famous for something but have nothing to be famous for. I'm not really good at anything except raising children and that's not something that I will ever be famous for. I want people to use quotes that I say to teach people, but I don't know what to focus on to make myself someone famous. I'm not a movie star or a politician. I don't like being honored in public and don't ever feel worthy of the accolades. I love writing but don't take the time to do it enough and lack focus to finish projects because there isn't a reason. I don't know a publisher. I don't even know what people like to read. I could write children's books but there are so many of them out there already and my ideas aren't different than anyone else's. Man, I'm starting to get a little tired.
I look at my distance on my treadmill and notice that I've gone seven tenths of a mile. I start smiling and giggling again...of course out loud so the BO girl can stare at me and judge me as I look back at her judging her stench. I could do this. I could make it a mile. I've never ran a whole consecutive mile in my life...ever! For the first time this once 221 pound girl with esteem problems was going to run a mile. I found myself cheering me on in my head. Yes the "run Forrest, run" was changed to "run, Elizabeth, run" and followed by, "just keep running, just keep running". It was fantastic and hysterical and all I could do not to jump up and down when I finished. I felt like I had just won a race. I've never won an athletic race.
So many amazing things occurred in this one mile run on the treadmill. I realized that I'm still not concentrating on my true goal in life which is to change the world one life at a time. I'm being distracted by everything else in life and society. I realized that I can cheer myself on because for the first time maybe ever, I have a positive self image...I am worth supporting!
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