Broken Barriers

For those of you that know me well, you know or have seen that the past year has been a struggle for me.  I've been in a season of change and it's been one of the more difficult periods of my life.  I've been in one of those seasons in my life where intrinsically I was questioning EVERYTHING.  I was questioning my callings in life, my faith, my profession...everything. I have been blessed enough to have some amazing people in my life stand by my through this roller coaster of a year and support me even when none of us knew what I wanted or needed. Today, I am putting to rest this past year.

I am attending a workshop called Great Expectations which is an amazing approach to educating.  My instructor has been fabulous but really outdid herself today.  One of the things I have felt this year is a lack of dreams, thus a lack of direction with my life.  I have everything I've ever wished for and once achieving these things was left wondering what to do next.  I was really at the point where I felt it was almost pointless to dream anything else because it couldn't possible come true.  Our information today was all about dreaming.  As a part of making our dreams come true we had to identify our dreams and the barriers that keep us from those dreams.

I sat in this classroom all day, literally trying to avoid listening to my instructor because what she was saying was hitting too close to home.  I would feel tears well up in my eyes.  I was doing everything to keep them hidden.  I would look up at the ceiling, close my eyes, pretend to be yawning so I could rub them and anything else I could think of to keep my tears from streaming down my face in front of my brand new co-workers.

"You are going to break through these boards and I am going to teach you how to do it so that everyone in this room is successful," my instructor confidently shared with us.  The skepticism was so thick hanging in the room you could feel it.  We have every type of person in our class; athletic, frail, overweight, old, young, energetic, reserved, confident, doubtful and everything in between.  I think each of us started out thinking that our instructor had lost her mind.  In my mind I knew that she wouldn't ask us to do this if she wasn't confident it would work, and she had done this same thing last week so if it hadn't worked, she certainly wouldn't be doing it with us this week.  But my heart was reserved and doubt began creeping in as I was watching her model our task.  There was no way I was going to break this board on the first try.  Maybe I would break it after ten hits and it was a little weaker from being beaten.

We picked our boards, and proceeded to write on our boards those barriers that kept us from achieving our dreams.  I wasn't sure at first what my barriers were going to be and as I sat there staring at my blank board I began to clear my mind, knowing that this practice would open my mind to accept God's voice. I began writing the first barrier on my board and this voice said dig deeper.  So, naturally I listened a little more and began writing a second barrier and again a voice said something in my head (yes I might be slightly mentally disturbed because I do sometimes think I hear voices).  The voice said one word and I thought of course.  I struggled writing this word on my board, at times my hand shaking as if it was afraid of the word or not wanting to finish.  Finally, after the board breaking had begun around me I finished my writing, found a partner and opened my eyes to look and feel my barriers.

I prepared to hit my 1 inch thick board by taking my stance, one foot in front, soft knees, arms offset. It was the same stance I had used in my self defense class which as I think about that is kind of ironic or interesting because by breaking this board I was defending myself against myself and a lack of ambition that was taking me over.  I took a couple of practice motions making sure that I had the placement on the board correct and that I wasn't going to miss the board completely and fall flat on my face.  I began pushing out of my mind everyone else in the room and focusing solely on the task in front of me.  I was going to break this board.  I was going to stop letting doubt have a place in my life.  But with each practice motion thoughts of doubt creeped into my brain.  Then it happened.

Almost without me even knowing what was going on it happened.  I had prepared myself ahead of time to do everything down to the yelling expulsion of breath the way we were told to.  And then, I didn't. I was fully anticipating another practice when my mind just completely cleared and as I brought my arm forward in what seemed like slow motion my voice in my head said just another excuse.  My hand smashed right through the board on the first try with a liberating movement.  Liberating because I had done this kind of "manly thing"; liberating because I was back in my self defense movements (something that I loved); but, liberating mostly because the last word I wrote on my barrier board was 'excuses'. 

The adrenaline was amazing and I didn't know whether I wanted to cry or laugh but I felt alive for the first time in a long time.  I took a few minutes to regain my composure.  I checked my hand to make I hadn't broken anything.  I washed the purple marker off my palm and had the opportunity to hold the board for my partner who also broke his board on the first try.  Then I proceeded to text pictures to two of the people that have both caused my struggles and helped me through them...my husband and my brother.

For me it was easy to say that poor time management is what keeps me from my most recent dreams.  It was even kind of easy say poor self esteem because I'm used to that. However for me, I know that my biggest barrier is making excuses for everything.  I don't want to work out because Mr. Man won't work out with me.  I don't want to read that book because I'm tired. I don't want to pick up the kids toys because they are just going to get them right back out.  I make excuses for everything and today is the beginning of the end of them.  While it may be a long process, today, my life changes and I begin to take action!

An Eery Silence

As promised in my previous post, here is the unexpected turn in our exploration adventure. On our way back home Mr. Man randomly decided to turn up this street instead of just going home. We drove about a quarter of a mile when we started seeing some downed powerlines next to brand new poles. In Oklahoma this means one of two things...either the sight was caught by wind or a tornado. Judging by our location and incredible knowledge (thanks to D. Payne and the rest of KFOR) we knew it was the latter.

We continued driving and I really thought maybe we'd see some trees bent and broken but nothing could have prepared me for what we saw.

As we drove farther I began to get an unsettled feeling like something wasn't right. It was about that time when I glanced at the top of a hill and realized that the house or farm or whatever it was that was supposed to be there wasn't. We sat there staring in disbelief with a driveway leading to nothing on one side of our street and the mangled top of a silo on the other, close enough to touch.

An eery silence came over us as we sat there and I had this strange urge to get out of the car and kneel on this broken land. I felt the power of the tornado speak through it's damage and felt an urge to tell the tornado I understood. I finally understood what it was capable of.

Pictures are sad and unsettling but following a path of destruction and seeing with your own eyes the sheet metal sticking through a tree or the soda can wrapped around a barb wire fence or a hundred year old tree twisted like a piece of paper turned into a telescope is beyond words. It's an experience I think everyone in Oklahoma needs. We all laugh about Mike Morgan's weather tie and D. Payne's sense of adventure but if you weren't below ground and this tornado was a direct hit, you didn't stand a chance. Seeing the destruction with my own eyes and feeling the power of this amazing storm sealed my mind that if there is ever a chance a tornado might come towards me we leave! We will no longer wait and see...we leave!

My Mr.Man took numerous pictures and I'm sure he's posted them to his blog...check out becksbytes.blogspot.com

Las Exploradoras!

For those of you that don't know what that means, it's Spanish for explorers.  That is what the family and I did today.  It was a sandstone exploration adventure and those of you that are true Oklahomans know what that means.  For those of you that aren't, I'll provide a short description.  You hop in a truck or SUV with gloves, shovels, and water (it's hot here now) and set out driving away from civilization.  Once you find a dirt road, you turn on that and then turn on another dirt road, and then maybe one more dirt road.  From there you start exploring for sandstone.

Sandstone exploration is an in-depth and high-tech process that really requires multiple people.  One person has to drive while at least one other person is watching the gullies on the side of the road for sandstone.  Once the sandstone is spotted, the driver must slow almost to a creep so that the spotters can determine whether the sandstone is loose and can be picked up or if it is stuck in the ground.  Why look in the gullies you might ask?  The rushing water in the gullies sometimes causes the very brittle sandstone shelves to break off.  These broken pieces are just the ones you're looking for to create whatever sandstone landscaping you might want.

Today was the first time we took a child with us that could actually help.  It was a fabulous experience and The Little Man had a blast.  We found a few pieces early on that were extra brittle due to the extreme dry weather we've had recently.  Then we happened on a hub of sandstone rocks.  Mr. Man was loading them up when The Little Man decided he wanted to help.  As The Little Man ran around the truck to help his dad, I noticed some dense foliage by the hub and reminded The Little Man not to touch it because we don't know if he's allergic to poison ivy and while I have no idea what poison ivy looks like, I really don't want to have a miserable Little Man.  Mr. Man froze, slowly looked towards the foliage and regretfully announced that it was all poison ivy and he was pretty sure he had gotten into it.  Now, those of you that know Mr. Man know that he is extremely allergic to poison ivy...thus, I expect the steroid shot bill to come in about five days from now.

That ended the sandstone exploration.  It was a sad way to end it but did encounter another adventure of the awe inspiring kind on our way home, but, that's for another post.

Summer Reading

I love reading! So, when I realized I would be in the car traveling for six hours at a time I was ecstatic because I knew I could get in some great reading time. I was correct. I read two complete books and am about half way done with the third.

The first book is a part of a series by Joanne Flunke. The books are a very quick read and easy to figure out "who dun it." That for me makes it more fun because I find myself yelling at the main character to not go to so and so's house because they are the murderer. Each of the books is filled with recipes! I am hoping to try some out but definitely need some places to dump cookies. I am sure my neighbors and maybe my mom's clinic will gladly accept some!

The next book was the most recent in the house of night series. I have written about this series previously and really enjoy reading them but I am astonished to see young children reading them. This most recent one really disappointed me because it not only had S-E-X scenes but the author also used the f word. In a book written for adults this still bothers me but I understand that sometimes that's the character that the author needs to portray. This book however is not a book for adults. This series is read by children that I know as young as fourth grade. I felt it was very irresponsible of the author to include the scene she did and the language that she did.

The last book I'm working on is called Mr. Peanut. It is really good and a little bit eye opening. Currently it's a did the husband kill the wife mystery but the difference so far is that it discusses in detail the reasons for killing a spouse and shockingly enough I can actually sympathize with the suspect. I heard about the book on NPR and so far I am well pleased.

I also read Nate the Great and Jigsaw Jones with the little man. He loved them both. Jigsaw is a second grade detective and I was surprised at some of the things the book talked about but, I'm sure I'm just naive about what second graders are like.

If you have any good book ideas or want my input on a book, let me know what it is...I will be reading a lot this summer!

Wool, Copper, and Desk Sets

In my previous blog you read about my fabulous dress shopping experience in search of the perfect dress to wear for my seventh anniversary.  Just over seven years ago I married my knight in shining armor.  I expected a fairytale life from then on and I can honestly say that the vast majority of our time has been just that.  We've had our fair share of trials and children definitely add a whole new depth to a relationship but, through it all we have persevered and will continue to grow together...hopefully!

This post will not however be all about the mushy, gushy, how much we love each other business.  This post is all about the seventh anniversary date and the seventh anniversary gift.  Did you know that wool, copper, and desk sets are the suggested seventh anniversary gifts?  As my facebook friends know, I was having a terrible time deciding which dress to wear.  I posted pictures and got mixed responses though most of them leaned toward wearing the black one for the date.

I woke up Sunday morning with an ingenious idea.  I would wear both dresses...not at the same time of course because that would look silly.  I would wear the yellow dress to church and our lunch with my parents, then transition into the black dress for a night on the town.  It was the perfect plan!  I should have known as soon as I said, "this is perfect" that it would not be quite so perfect.

Everything went exactly as planned until about 9:30 am when we arrived at the church for Sunday School.  I got out of the car and was greeted by my least favorite aspect of Oklahoma...everyone altogether now...THE WIND!!!  My car door blew open so hard that it left a big scratch on the car next to me. (I hope that person doesn't read my blog.)  I could barely keep my below knee length skirt from pulling a Marilyn Monroe on me.  In fact, I probably could have taken a picture exactly like that.  After hurrying into the church with the skirt of my dress pulled as tightly to my body as possible, I was greeted with an office full of huge eyes.  Did I have gravy or fruit loop dust all of my dress already?  No one said anything, so I scurried into Andy's office and did a quick look over.  Nothing on the dress, all important parts of the body were covered, no marker or huge mascara lines on my face.  Hmmmm.  A few minutes later after walking the Little Man to his class one of the church members came up and said, "you look absolutely breathtaking."  I was stunned but managed a very shy thank you and proceeded to go hide in the youth room and eavesdrop on the revelations discussion on of the Sunday school classes was having.  Dead horses...really? 

After church we spent a couple of hours at my parents having an early Memorial Day lunch because my dad had to work on Memorial Day.  Andy took a picture of me in the yellow dress and you can see how windy it is:

We went back home to prepare for the evening.  At this point I still don't know where we are going for dinner or what we are doing afterwards.  The anticipation is killing me.  My mind was in full on hyperactive mode.  "Maybe we're going to the Melting Pot, he said that was on his radar.  Or maybe we're going to Hastings, I've been talking about how much I want to go there, or maybe he's taking me to Cafe Nova, we haven't been there in a while, or maybe he's taking me someplace new that we haven't been to.  No I bet he's taking me to Melting Pot, but maybe..." and so on all afternoon.  (You have to read that part with a really fast, high pitched voice to get the full effect of my brain that afternoon.)

As I was getting dressed, I realized I had a problem.  I didn't have a purse to go with my dress.  Either I was buying a something or I was going without a purse.  Well, my knight didn't want to carry my phone, ID, gum, lipstick, and cash so I opted to buy a nice little purse to go with the dress.  Actually I matched the purse with my sunglasses that are super glam.  I couldn't believe that I found the exact shade I needed.  I did run into a problem upon entering the car after my super find.  My short little skirt on my perfect black dress was definitely going to fly up if I was outside for any length of time.

We ended up eating at Deep Fork Grill which was amazing.  We got a wonderful parking spot which was crucial in me not mooning the entire parking lot with the strong wind working against my quest for perfection.  The chef sent out complimentary chicken bruschettes and our waitress brought out complimentary strawberry cake which was by far the most moist cake I have ever eaten.  Upon finishing dinner Andy informed me that his plan would not work because of the wind.  He had planned to spend an hour or so walking around Bricktown before seeing a late movie but with the wind that was a no go.  So, instead we went down to a very secluded location for a photo op of me in my black dress:

 After a couple of quick photos before the security guards got any sneak peaks, we drove home to watch some TV and change clothes, again, for the movie.  I opted for my favorite holey jeans with an incredibly soft t-shirt that could have been used in the movie Footloose.  We watched bridesmaids which was just the right amount of crude humor for me.  I understood most of it and thought there were some incredibly funny parts.  I actually laughed out loud... a lot.  I was a huge fan of Dougie's sister on the airplane and loved that they gave her character some depth to pull the main character out of her depression.  I also loved that the will they won't they love interest was just some average policeman.

At about midnight we arrived back home, I crawled in bed with a still very full tummy and slept until 8 am thanks to Mimi and Papa who had a sleepover with this kids.  It was a fabulous day.  The weather was gorgeous if you forgot about the wind.  For a few short hours I was able to actually let go of my need to control everything and have some planned and unplanned fun with the man that I love.  It reminded me a lot of when we were dating, a feeling that I've been missing lately.  That pretty much sums up the seventh anniversary date for you.  Yeah for seven years of marriage!  I can't wait to see what the next 60 bring us!