Losing the Weight, Changing my Life

I had just gotten glasses.  It was recess time and my friends were making fun of me.  They were calling me fat, which at this time wasn't even true, and running away from me laughing.  My teacher noticed something was wrong when we got back inside and called me out in the hall.  My teacher patiently listened to my story between sobs and responded, "they aren't really your friends then are they?  Don't worry honey, you're too smart to waste your time with them."  At around 8 years old, I didn't understand this.  All I knew was that the girls that had come to my birthday parties in the past were telling me they hated me and calling me names.  I tried to push the experience out of my thoughts and toughen up.  I didn't want them to know they hurt my feelings or it was sure to make it worse.  Even back then, at my school at least, we had learned about bullies.  The teachings were different but we knew about them. 

I made it through the day and ran home from the bus stop.  I got home and plopped in front of the tv watching Batman...the old live action one...not the cartoon.  During a commercial I began reflecting.  "Sure I'm smart but I don't have any friends, everyone thinks I'm fat so what does it matter. No one is ever going to like me again."  At this depressing thought I sauntered into the kitchen and grabbed a can of cool ranch Doritos.  For those of you that don't remember Doritos ever coming in a can, it's roughly the equivalent of the family sized bag now and you used to get them at Sam's.  The can was unopened so I opened it, even though I usually didn't do that in our house, went back to Batman, and ate the entire can of chips.  This was before the time of mandatory nutrition labels but I consumed roughly 2,550 calories, 136 grams of fat, 3,060 milligrams of sodium, and 306 grams of carbohydrates in less than 30 minutes and I didn't ever pause. I remember my mom asking me about the chips.  I think I shrugged and said I ate them.  She was obviously concerned but didn't push the issue.  I remember mostly telling myself not to cry because I didn't want my mom to know that the other girls that used to be my friends thought I was stupid and made fun of me.  I was perfect in my mom's eyes and I couldn't stand her knowing that someone had hurt me so I fought my hardest to be tough.  This event was the beginning of my traumatizing slide into childhood obesity.

Likewise, I remember the day I finally looked in a full length mirror, smiled and said to myself, you're not fat anymore.  It wasn't one of my fake lies that I had sometimes told myself in a lame attempt to boost my self esteem.  It was a full, completely satisfied smile and compliment followed be an unknown sense of peace and relaxation.  I was weeks away from turning 30, some 20 years after the childhood bullying.  I was married with two children.  I was a teacher.  And, for the first time in years, I could look at myself in the mirror and smile without the "your pretty but fat" thought creeping into my head.

This will be the abridged story of how I overcame my weight battle.  Some of my story will be left out because it is still too painful for me to share and some of my story will be left out in an effort to not hurt others and because the entire 20 year story would fill a book, not a blog.  I hope this story serves as an inspiration to people of all ages trying to lose weight, but mainly to young girls struggling with their sense of worth.

So, by this time you get the idea...poor bully victim in elementary school blah, blah, blah.  In middle school I stayed pretty low-key and tried not to make very many friends because I was terrified that they would betray me again.  I decided to quit ballet and play basketball because it involved running and by this time I had a full blown weight problem. Ballet was so much more my speed, elegant, beautiful, full of makeup and shining lights.  But I wasn't beautiful in my eyes anymore so I begged my mom to let me quit.  I remember bawling at my last recital because I was the fattest girl in the class and I just knew everyone in the audience would be making fun of me. My dad agreed to coach my basketball team though I think he was a little bewildered by my sudden desire to play a sport instead of be a cheerleader.  I continued to play basketball and noticed that while I wasn't skinny by any means, I was toned.  I had a good bmi according to my health screening at school but my mom was having to buy me "women's" clothes instead of children's clothes.  This meant I couldn't wear all the cute clothes that my friends were wearing.  In my mind I was "wearing old ladies clothes with pleats to hide my fat stomach."

I began slowly letting some friends into my life thanks to joining church youth group and having a wonderful youth minister who unknowingly saved my life with a phone call my junior year.  My friends and I went on a mission trip where I rode my first roller coaster, much to the chagrin of my youth minister and his almost broken hand I'm sure.  However, friendships were formed during that trip that I thought would last forever.

Three months into highschool I found out that even the bonds that were built during that trip couldn't last. Again my friends turned their backs on me during the worst time in my life.  I was alone which mainly meant that I didn't have anyone my age to talk to even though my parents and youth minister were always present.  I hated myself and began slipping into a long season of depression.  My depression lasted most of my high school career during which time I would have bouts of anorexia, bulemia, and suicidal thoughts.  Of course the anorexia and bulemia were never long enough for me to lose weight because what really made me feel better was just eating and being happy about the taste of food.  I would starve myself during mission trips because I knew people thought I was fat and I didn't want them thinking I was like that because I overate.  The truth was that eating was the only time I felt calm and the more I ate the more I slept and the less I had to think about my pathetic life.

So enough with the background and time for the million dollar question...How did I turn it all around?  I became a teacher and in 2006 I found out I was pregnant.  A few months before that day I had weighed 221 pounds and while I imagine by this time I weighed more, I can't be sure.  The day I saw the second line light up on the pregnancy test I begged God to help me fix myself so I could live a long and happy life to be with my children in everything that they did as they grew up and for my grand children and maybe even great-grandchildren.  At this point, I had high cholesterol, borderline blood pressure problems, and some borderline sugar problems not to mention a rather repulsive roadmap of stretchmarks.  I knew if I didn't make a change, I wouldn't be able to run with my kids and they would end up just like me.

I set out to learn as much about portions and healthy eating as possible.  I LOVE food so I knew I couldn't restrict what I ate but I also knew that I could restrict how much I ate.  I started reading about portion control and found out that when McDonald's started their burger was about the same size as their happy meal burger and a french fry was the size of their small fry.  That was what adults were eating for their meal.  So, when I went to McDonald's that's what I got instead of my regular double quarter pounder extra value meal supersized which really makes me want to gag now just writing it down.  My mom showed me some plates she had found that had belonged to my great-aunt and we compared the size of the old plate to the size of new plates.  The old plate fit inside my plates with a good inch and a half extra around the entire circumference.  So, when I ate off of my plate, I envisioned my great-aunt's plates and cut my intake in half.  I also constantly reminded myself that this wasn't the last time I would eat whatever meal I was eating.  Finally I started walking during my recess duty and almost every day during lunch. 

I dropped twenty pounds in almost three weeks and was thrilled to gain only seventeen back during my pregnancy.  I dropped that weight plus twenty more pounds through little things like standing up the entire time I was at work and maintaining portion control but I added in eating healthier foods thanks to my new little munchkin.  God blessed me with an infant that became extremely colicky when I ate greasy foods.  So, I quit eating grease...mainly my beloved french fries.  I went back to the doctor three months after I had my son and was elated to discover that all of my health concerns seemed to be erased or much better than before.  I was inspired and I knew at that moment that I would make sure my children learned everything possible about eating healthy and staying active and maintaining a good mental health.

Since that time I have continued shrinking my portions, eating healthier foods and staying active although the latter is something I must focus more on.  I am down to on average 155 pounds which is borderline overweight for me still.  That fact alone has made me realize just how unhealthy I was.  I regret that I can't undo the damage to my heart and arteries that I did during the past twenty years but thanks to God and his gift of perseverance I have saved my body from even more damage.  Most importantly though, I can live my life with my children not watch it from the sidelines with a bag of Doritos. 

Believe me when I say that I "tried" everything before getting having a life experience change my habits.  To every person that struggles with their weight, I know exactly where you are and if I can do it, then you can do it.  All it takes is a complete refocus of priorities and complete knowledge about the food in our culture.  For me those two things alone have changed my life.  I hope they can change yours.